So I was texting a friend of mind and he ask me how I was doing? I told him that I was ready to go home and curl up with my two cats. He then asked; just cats? And I told him what my boyfriend was up to at the house.. That his back was out so he was in pain.
I started thinking about my relationship with tony and how we decided to make it a open relationship because he was no longer Sexually attracted to me and that I wasn't able to fulfill his needs Sexually. Since then I've flirted with other guys in my small social circle but I can't see myself hooking up with them.. I mean I get the urges like everyone else but still.. I can't see it happening.
Then something else occurred to me.. I wondered of Tony changed his growlr status from relationship to =open= relationship.. And he did.. Then I reread his profile.. He didn't mention anything about me; or any statements about him being in a relationship and just wanting sex. I reread my profile page and noticed I didn't have anything about him aswell.. And it got me thinking..
I started thinking about my relationship with tony and how we decided to make it a open relationship because he was no longer Sexually attracted to me and that I wasn't able to fulfill his needs Sexually. Since then I've flirted with other guys in my small social circle but I can't see myself hooking up with them.. I mean I get the urges like everyone else but still.. I can't see it happening.
Then something else occurred to me.. I wondered of Tony changed his growlr status from relationship to =open= relationship.. And he did.. Then I reread his profile.. He didn't mention anything about me; or any statements about him being in a relationship and just wanting sex. I reread my profile page and noticed I didn't have anything about him aswell.. And it got me thinking..
He says he loves me, and he doesn't want to break up with me. And he has a lot of personal issues to work on before he'll be ready to marry me. Here's a stupid question; what do I do in the mean time while he goes and figures himself out? I've played around with one kid already.. It was fun. Would I do it again.. Sure if and when the situation presents itself.
I don't know if I really want to actively search for sex with other people.. I'm pretty content with my porn. (as much as I don't want to admit and completely rely on porn). Another thought that boders me is that he claims to be honry sometimes but doesn't approach me.. But he doesn't approach guys on growlr either. He has low self esteem. I get that.. And either with th. Surgery or not there are going to be set backs. I don't know if he can handle it.. The steps that need to be done to change his situation and I don't know if I can be the push he needs..
I'm beginning to think that as he believes that he's falling back into his habits being a shut in and giving up before even trying.. I've just replaced taking care of one person (my mother) for another (him). All my finances are debated by what I need to have for taking care of him and his needs. Every complaint and concern he brings up it hurts and boders me as if he's saying (and I know I'm over thinking this and this is totally in my head) ; *your not providing for me, your not taking care of me, your not making me happy, and you need to fix this*
Like I said, this is all in my head.
But I feel responsible for him because he has nothing. When I try to focus on myself I get side swiped by a house bill or utility bill. And I loose sleep every night thinking about what where out of food wise or pet food wise or I have to keep the phone service going because he needs a phone..
I don't know if I really want to actively search for sex with other people.. I'm pretty content with my porn. (as much as I don't want to admit and completely rely on porn). Another thought that boders me is that he claims to be honry sometimes but doesn't approach me.. But he doesn't approach guys on growlr either. He has low self esteem. I get that.. And either with th. Surgery or not there are going to be set backs. I don't know if he can handle it.. The steps that need to be done to change his situation and I don't know if I can be the push he needs..
I'm beginning to think that as he believes that he's falling back into his habits being a shut in and giving up before even trying.. I've just replaced taking care of one person (my mother) for another (him). All my finances are debated by what I need to have for taking care of him and his needs. Every complaint and concern he brings up it hurts and boders me as if he's saying (and I know I'm over thinking this and this is totally in my head) ; *your not providing for me, your not taking care of me, your not making me happy, and you need to fix this*
Like I said, this is all in my head.
But I feel responsible for him because he has nothing. When I try to focus on myself I get side swiped by a house bill or utility bill. And I loose sleep every night thinking about what where out of food wise or pet food wise or I have to keep the phone service going because he needs a phone..
I'm afraid to admit that I'm not able to take care of him and myself.. I can barley take care of myself. I've sacrificed alot.. And I don't think I can do it anymore..
Jesus this was supposed to be about open relationships. Turns out there's more going on in myself then just about sex. Pretty much I've replaced taking care of my mother and a whole house hold to taking care of a guy and a small apartment and I can't even do that correctly.
Jesus this was supposed to be about open relationships. Turns out there's more going on in myself then just about sex. Pretty much I've replaced taking care of my mother and a whole house hold to taking care of a guy and a small apartment and I can't even do that correctly.
I need to make a change and now make some personal sacrifices to get myself out hot water.
