Im looking over my past post and lot of them have to deal me my unhappiness. I'm always unhappy. It's become part of my personality that I'm unhappy. The main source for my unhappiness is..
Loneliness
Debt
Being broke
Being angey
Being jealous
Feeling inadequate
Feeling undesirable
Lots of negative self talk
Fear
Feeling trapped
Feeling helpless
Feeling hopeless
Procrastination
Most of these feelings I've had since I was a young kid.
I've put myself in this position time and time again because I'm so use to it. These feelings are familiar to me.
I'm still waiting for someone to come to me and tell me I'm beautiful. I'm lying to myself that I'd rather be lonely then deal with heart ache.
The truth is.. I want someone to replace who tony was. Someone devoted to me, who will ask me how I'm doing every once and a while. But im wanting someone for the wrong reason I feel.
I should be able to take care of myself and not relay on anyone. But im scared to.
I haven't had to take care of myself till I was in my 30s. And when I thought I was doing a good job taking care of things. It was based on how well I provided for the person I cared about. I focused my attention on tony and took that fact that his happiness equaled my happiness.
That'd what happened yesterday. He was depressed therfore I was depressed. Again I'm like a fucking dog.
Another issue I'm dealing with. I do this repeatedly, I get fed up.. I make a plan, I set goals, then I get lazy and stop working towards those goals and I get fed up and depressed again. I loose hope or a skip a gym day or I make up some excuse. I get angry at myself for wasting my own time. Again.. Summer is almost over and I haven't compelted any of my desires. I haven't visited the city, I haven't gone to any movies, I haven't been social.
Being broke has been the main reason for me not doing anything. For me.. Money is the root of all functions. And I don't have enough of it.
But when I work overtime to make more money.. I feel more broke then I did before. I've ran up all my credit cards and my utility bills are all behind. And my car is breaking down. My health is getting worse. I really don't know what to tackle first?
I'm depressed and I'm angry that I truly feel I have no one to share my concerns with. I no longer trust anyone. That's another big issue.. I've become jaded and isolative. I don't trust anyone. I can't talk to Alvin, bob, or jerry because of them calling the cops on me.. I can't trust tony because I feel such animosity towards him still over the break up and him not knowing how to express himself. I can't talk to Chris or braynts because I feel there more Tonys friends then mine. There's no one at work I can talk to because Maryann is bitter, tabitha is bitter, Mitchell has his own pains to manage. Wayne and Mary.. I'd rather not bring them into my dark cloud. Rob and thom.. I can't talk or be around them because the temptation of sex is too strong and I'm trying to keep my personal vow of nothing hooking up with anyone.
So who does that leave? Who can I talk to right now about my pains and fears and talk about my goals and desires?
No one. All I have is myself.
I know my friends would say differently, I wouldn't believe them.
I think there was a time where I think the only person I could truly be myself around and never hold anything back.. Who always made me feel better after talking with them.. Was.. Ivan Diller, my therapist.
I don't look forward to talking to anyone anymore. Fuck.. Am I the one becoming the jaded ass hole?
