I still feel empty inside

God what's wrong with me.. I still feel empty inside.. Why am I not happy... What can I do..... This is making me angry aswell as want to cry.... I want to feel happiness again...

Even this morning..It took me a while to ask him to hold me..and I thought maybe that would help...that would be the answer to what I was looking for..I wanted to be held..I wanted that intimacy, but it didn't work..my mind still raced with thoughts of how I hated myself..How I felt unattractive and unloved..how he just came to lay next to me..but still immersed in his phone. I lied and told him...I wasn't angry with him..I was mad that as always..he comes to bed so late..I got woken up..and couldn't fall back to sleep..

I hate it when he comes in ..says he's tiered..yet..he'll lay down but not sleep..he'll have his phone in bed..the back light glearing from his phone..keeping me awake...I just want us to sleep together again. but thats not happening. I'm angry at him..I'm angry that I'm in this position.  that I have to again rely on porn to get my needs meet. I'm truly sick and tiered of jerking off..I want sex..I want passion..I want to feel desired..

And because I'm not getting any of that..It's causing me to doubt my self..making me hate myself and think of myself as unlovable..that my only task now is working my ass off..to support him..and me..

I'm angry ...very angry...

I want to cry but I also want to break something.. 

Feeling empty again

So I've spent the last two days running at the gym.. Cutting my calories and my legs started feeling string again.. Decided to take Friday the 13th off from the gym.. Since I got into an early access beta for a popular up n coming game that's hiting the market in September.. Then the experience got ruined for me.. By one.. Decoding to answer my phone while playing and listening to a friend babble on about his insecurities,  and my fiancé barking orders at me on the other end.. Saying go left,  go right,  reload reload,  needless to say.. I felt like an idiot.. And now as usual I go to sleep and wake up to an empty bed.. I'm feeling out of place and of touch.. I think im angry that I can't do what he does.. I wish I had someone to look after me.. In the way I look after him..

I've got so many little obligations that I feel as if I'm on my own here.. I think the truth is.. I am on my own.. I know it's ridiculous to say that.. But it is the truth..

AM I HAPPY NOW?

So I couldn't sleep.. So I decided to go to the gym for the first time in two months.. I worked out on the elliptical machine for about 40 minutes.. Burned about 300 calories.. Drank a bottle water.. And I didn't feel winded.. Do I feel better.. No.. I still hate myself.. Will that change over time.. Perhaps..

I'm trying... Im really trying to find some way to feel better about myself.. I feel ugly and undesirable.. So perhaps working out and losing weight might help.. Since I can't feel any physical intimacy at home.. Till he fixes himself.. I'm going to try and start focusing on what physical things I can do to feel satisfied.. And to be honest.. Jerking off isn't one of them.. I'm not happy doing that anymore.. Hell the a major plus for being in a relationship is that you don't have to do those anymore.. You've got someone to have fun with.. Since I'm screwed in that department..

I'm going to do it.. I'm going to focus on improving my body.. Focus all my sexual energy on working out. Perhaps in time.. I'll start to feel fulfilled..

AM I HAPPY?

So there alot of things I'm grateful for.. My job,  my car,  my fiancé,  my friends.. That I can even list the last two things is truely a god send..

So then why do I feel so sad?  I think it's because I'm not happy with myself.. I know I could focus on the issues surrounding my life.. My fiancé with his health,  and lack of interest is trying to better himself.. Hes lost and hes trying to find his own way.. I get that,  but come on.. He spends more man power hours on a game then his studies Plus not showing any drive in signing up for any type of class to get better..

My friends... There all looking for someone to hold there hand through life.. So was I.. Till I lost everything and now am. Realizing how lost I really am.. But im at least paying my bills and keeping the lights on.. I'm constantly being asked over and over again by the majority of my friends what I'm doing over my free weekend to entertain them..

I know I've dug a whole for myself.. And now I'm trying to dig my way out.. Is this why I'm unhappy?  CAUSE I feel broke,  and nobody gets me.. I'm 33 years old.. I should be settled in the "have my shit together department"  but I'm not..

I'm unhappy,  and now I'm becoming unsatisfied romantically and Sexually.. My fiancé can't have sex.. Cause it hurts.. That's all I'm going to disclose.. He said he's willing to pleasure me.. And him not to cum.. But I don't want that.. I've been on that side of the fence before for many years.. Always the pleaser never been pleased.. I don't want that.. I want him to experience ecstasy aswell.. So there's a solution.. Him loosing 100 pounds.. Then the doctor will consider a surgery to help him... He hasn't taken steps to do that..

I blame myself.. I'm not doing anything to help him.. And I know I have to.. I'm here buying all this unhealthy shit.. So I need to change the way I do things.. Again.. Focusing more on others problems then myself..

I was doing really well for a while.. I was eating healthy,  working out regularly.. I even fit into a size 38 pants.. I gave up.. After getting sick twice.. I gave up cause it was easier to grab the remote.. And jerk off then continue my goal.. I feel as if I let myself down.. Maybe that's why I'm unhappy.. I don't feel beautiful.. And because of the lack of intamcy I don't feel attractive.. Which is why I let myself go..

I've done this before.. I've gone through this before.. And I say I'll change but never do.. Can I prove myself wrong again..?