What I'm thankful for today 4/4/15

What am I thankful for today.  My job.  I'm able to get a paycheck and with that money help to sustain myself and the lifestyle I enjoy. 

What I'm thankful for today 3.23.15

Today is Monday March 23rd, 2015
Location : Griffin Hospital in Derby CT.
Time is 10:56 am

Today I'm thankful for my car; getting us here safely and on time. 
I'm thankful that I've got the day to not think about work.

What I'm thankful for today..

I'm starting something new..I'm going to start writing every day or at least every chance I get and explain what I'm thankful for.

Today is Sunday, March 22nd 2015
Location: Saint Vincent's Westport Campus Westport, ct
Time: 4:45pm

I'm Thankful for my boyfriend. He packed my dinner and it smells wonderful
I'm Thankful for my Job, I'm lucky to still be doing something that despite it's challenges; I still like doing my job. I sometimes get these twitches in my brain when someone tells me how there feeling and shares there story with me.
I'm thankful that I can do something to help my patients.
I'm thankful that I still have all my limbs and eyes and I can hear and breath.
I'm thankful that I can look forward to my days offs and that I can find things to take pleasure in.

that's it for today..

see you tomorrow.

New Beginings .....Again

So I decided to start writing again. I may erase my previous blogs cause I feel as if there filled with so much anger and self-loathing. In every pasted blog I've written has nothing but statements about me being unhappy with myself and my situations; me being broke, regretting past mistakes and actions, and Tony. How I got frustrated with him, not chipping in finically and how jealous I was of him for being home all day pretty much do whatever he liked while I work and hating my job. I've learned a few things about myself from these last few weeks.  I'm not perfect, nor should I be. And I need to truly let go of my past. My regret, and my self pity attitude. 
I look at my patients whom I help care for and I sometimes hear the troubles and hardships they went through or are currently going through. They do a lot of the same things I was doing. Blaming others, or hating the world for not taking care of them and wanting everything and not working for it. (Real Imperial Order types) ha ; inside joke.

The truth is, I should be thankful for what I have and proud of what I've been able to do on my own. maintain a car, maintain a household. I am thankful for tony taking care of the things I don't do; like cleaning and keeping things organized. And I'm proud that he's an honorable person. I will admit that sometimes I've felt cast aside because of his personal issues he's going through and I do still feel a bit sad about him not wanting to marry me. But I'm learning to live with it. I've had to take a hard look at myself and ask the question what do I want from myself.

so, I've decided to set some new goals for myself for the year.
my first goal is:

Rebuild Friendships.

Goal # 2

Rebuild myself emotionally- letting go of my past mistakes and fears that haunt me.

I'm just starting with two so far. I'm not going to overwhelm myself like I always do; expecting myself to become a new man overnight.

What to do... With my inner angry child?

So im here angry and I feel like a child.. I'm mad cause I feel I haven't gotten the attention I needed tonight.. And I feel that the gap between me and my boyfriend is getting wider.. There are many times again when im feeling that his online friends share more personal moments with him then I do now.. I know our relationship is coming to an end.. But now to be honest.. At times it feels like a slow peeling bandaid.. We've gotten most of it off.. But there's still that one small part still hanging on.. And won't come off..

I keep telling myself.. I shouldn't be mad or upset about it.  So what if I come home and I see him on the computer in deep thought with his online friends.. So what if I tell him my day and all in response I get is a half listening ear.. I feel angry and hurt.. And I don't know who to talk to about it.. I feel casted off.. Unloved and unwanted.. Should I tell him to leave sooner then June?  Am I just delaying the inedavble?  Inside I want to cry.. But also lash out.. He emersies himself in games and Netflix s and hours apoun hours of coop play with his online friends.. Having countless moments.. While I feel left out in the Cold.. Working, jumping through hoops,  worried about every dollar o spend on foods to keep him fed.. Dinner to plan so he can eat.. Make sure utilities are paid to keep him and the pets he wanted warm..
Now don't get me wrong.. I love our girls.. But they where brought in to keep him company while I worked.. Where I passed up valuable double shifts cause I wanted to spend time with him.. Just to have him tell me that he doesn't want to be with me..
Fine I'll admit it.. I fucked up.. I fell for someone and gave all of myself.. My heart.. My money.. My personal sacrifices.. I can't do this..

A fucking fork in the road

My birthday is in less then an hour.. I should feel happy,  excited,  renewed.. But im not.. Instead I feel.. Blah,  like I'm running on fumes, my hearts been torn a little by disappointment.. I'm better now.. But still.. I kind of feel half alive.. And my place of work.. Isn't really the right environment to be in when yiur starting to feel let down and depressed about your future.. Even though I'm not Mr money bags.. There have been plenty of birthdays.. Where money was never an issue for going out and having a good time.. Even staying in with friends and having a good time.. But still.. Even that feels more like a chore then exciting.. I feel as if I've lost some part of myself.. That I'm struggling to get back.. But don't know how or when I really lost it.. I'm not excited about life.. The only thing keeping me going was my relationship and my engagement to my  boyfriend.. But now he's had second thoughts and hes trying to find himself. I don't Now what or where I should Start

Feeling frustrated and sad

So.. Here we are again.. I'm broke and I feel that I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.. I feel bad that I have to watch every penny i spend now.. And I can't do the things I'd like to do.. Like going out to lunch with friends is now a game of will I have enough or.. How much will I loose.. Especially since I'm trying to feed myself but Tony aswell..
I'm also getting this sick feeling in my stomach.. Like I'm failing as a provider.. I was reading an article the other day and it talked about the major reasons for breakups of marriages.. And the number one on the list was money.. What bodered me tonight was the fact I asked him how much money he had left after he told me about our friends wanting to get lunch on my day off.. And I told him.. I was tight on cash and that this week's paycheck was for the rent.. He just flat out said.. Forget it.. That hurt.. And made me feel ashamed.. I didn't know what else to say.. And so we haven't brought it up since..

Sometimes I wonder what he thinks about.. Day in and day out.. I come home from work feeling exhausted.. And he's here all day.. I use to envy him.. Then I was mad at him.. Cause he got to do what I couldn't.. Then I was angry with him.. Cause he lost focus on what his goals where and I forced him to stop working.. I'll admit.. I thought it would work out.. He'd stop working at Walmart.. Take his unemployment.. Focus on studying for his GED.. And get it by spring.. And start a new chapter in his life working somewhere else where his chances would be better.. But know.. I babied him like I was caltuled..
I wonder of he feels guilty.. I never wanted to put myself in a pity party situation.. But I wonder if he cares how much I work.. Or if he notices how I worry about bills and how close we've come to having things turned off..

I can't do this on my own anymore.. I just can't.. I'm still thinking one sided.. And it's not one sided.. I started holding back because he finally made a decision about a life style change.. Hes going for gastric bypass in March.. So I kept my mouth shut on other things..thinking this will be the start of things changing.. He'll get the surgery.. Start loosing weight.. Feel better about himself and then from there finally get his act together.. At least that's what I hope..

I'm going to start working more shifts.. Day shifts if I have too.. Plus putting more time at the bookstore.. I need more money.. By next Christmas.. I don't want to feel that I can't provide for my family.

So perhaps this will be my new years resolution.. Work harder, put aside my personal needs and start building something..