Happy anniversary

So the 27th of August has come and gone. It has affected me. I feel sad and empty.  I also feel angry.

Jesus, I'm still not happy

Im looking over my past post and  lot of them have to deal me my unhappiness.  I'm always unhappy.  It's become part of my personality that I'm unhappy.  The main source for my unhappiness is..

Loneliness
Debt
Being broke
Being angey
Being jealous
Feeling inadequate
Feeling undesirable
Lots of negative self talk
Fear
Feeling trapped
Feeling helpless
Feeling hopeless
Procrastination

Most of these feelings I've had since I was a young kid. 

I've put myself in this position time and time again because I'm so use to it.  These feelings are familiar to me. 

I'm still waiting for someone to come to me and tell me I'm beautiful.  I'm lying to myself that I'd rather be lonely then deal with heart ache.

The truth is.. I want someone to replace who tony was.  Someone devoted to me,  who will ask me how I'm doing every once and a while.  But im wanting someone for the wrong reason I feel. 
I should be able to take care of myself and not relay on anyone.  But im scared to. 
I haven't had to take care of myself till I was in my 30s. And when I thought I was doing a good job taking care of things.  It was based on how well I provided for the person I cared about.  I focused my attention on tony and took that fact that his happiness equaled my happiness. 

That'd what happened yesterday.  He was depressed therfore I was depressed.  Again I'm like a fucking dog. 

Another issue I'm dealing with.  I do this repeatedly,  I get fed up.. I make a plan,  I set goals,  then I get lazy and stop working towards those goals and I get fed up and depressed again.  I loose hope or a skip a gym day or I make up some excuse.  I get angry at myself for wasting my own time.  Again.. Summer is almost over and I haven't compelted any of my desires.  I haven't visited the city,  I haven't gone to any movies,  I haven't been social. 

Being broke has been the main reason for me not doing anything.  For me.. Money is the root of all functions.  And I don't have enough of it. 
But when I work overtime to make more money.. I feel more broke then I did before.  I've ran up all my credit cards and my utility bills are all behind.  And my car is breaking down.  My health is getting worse.  I really don't know what to tackle first?

I'm depressed and I'm angry that I truly feel I have no one to share my concerns with.  I no longer trust anyone.  That's another big issue.. I've become jaded and isolative.  I don't trust anyone.  I can't talk to Alvin,  bob,  or jerry because of them calling the cops on me.. I can't trust tony because I feel such animosity towards him still over the break up and him not knowing how to express himself.  I can't talk to Chris or braynts because I feel there more Tonys friends then mine.  There's no one at work I can talk to because Maryann is bitter,  tabitha is bitter,  Mitchell has his own pains to manage.  Wayne and Mary.. I'd rather not bring them into my dark cloud.  Rob and thom.. I can't talk or be around them because the temptation of sex is too strong and I'm trying to keep my personal vow of nothing hooking up with anyone. 
So who does that leave?  Who can I talk to right now about my pains and fears and talk about my goals and desires?  

No one.  All I have is myself. 
I know my friends would say differently,  I wouldn't believe them. 

I think there was a time where I think the only person I could truly be myself around and never hold anything back.. Who always made me feel better after talking with them.. Was.. Ivan Diller,  my therapist. 

I don't look forward to talking to anyone anymore.  Fuck.. Am I the one becoming the jaded ass hole?

Open relationships?

So I was texting a friend of mind and he ask me how I was doing?  I told him that I was ready to go home and curl up with my two cats.  He then asked; just cats? And I told him what my boyfriend was up to at the house.. That his back was out so he was in pain. 
I started thinking about my relationship with tony and how we decided to make it a open relationship because he was no longer Sexually attracted to me and that I wasn't able to fulfill his needs Sexually. Since then I've flirted with other guys in my small social circle but I can't see myself hooking up with them.. I mean I get the urges like everyone else but still.. I can't see it happening.
Then something else occurred to me.. I wondered of Tony changed his growlr status from relationship to =open= relationship.. And he did.. Then I reread his profile.. He didn't mention anything about me; or any statements about him being in a relationship and just wanting sex. I reread my profile page and noticed I didn't have anything about him aswell.. And it got me thinking..

He says he loves me,  and he doesn't want to break up with me. And he has a lot of personal issues to work on before he'll be ready to marry me.  Here's a stupid question; what do I do in the mean time while he goes and figures himself out?  I've played around with one kid already.. It was fun. Would I do it again.. Sure if and when the situation presents itself. 
I don't know if I really want to actively search for sex with other people.. I'm pretty content with my porn.  (as much as I don't want to admit and completely rely on porn). Another thought that boders me is that he claims to be honry sometimes but doesn't approach me.. But he doesn't approach guys on growlr either.  He has low self esteem. I get that.. And either with th. Surgery or not there are going to be set backs.  I don't know if he can handle it.. The steps that need to be done to change his situation and I don't know if I can be the push he needs..
I'm beginning to think that as he believes that he's falling back into his habits being a shut in and giving up before even trying.. I've just replaced taking care of one person (my mother)  for another (him).  All my finances are debated by what I need to have for taking care of him and his needs. Every complaint and concern he brings up it hurts and boders me as if he's saying (and I know I'm over thinking this and this is totally in my head) ; *your not providing for me, your not taking care of me,  your not making me happy,  and you need to fix this*
Like I said,  this is all in my head. 
But I feel responsible for him because he has nothing.  When I try to focus on myself I get side swiped by a house bill or utility bill.  And I loose sleep every night thinking about what where out of food wise or pet food wise or I have to keep the phone service going because he needs a phone..

I'm afraid to admit that I'm not able to take care of him and myself.. I can barley take care of myself. I've sacrificed alot.. And I don't think I can do it anymore..
Jesus this was supposed to be about open relationships.  Turns out there's more going on in myself then just about sex.  Pretty much I've replaced taking care of my mother and a whole house hold to taking care of a guy and a small apartment and I can't even do that correctly. 

I need to make a change and now make some personal sacrifices to get myself out hot water.

What I'm thankful for today 4/4/15

What am I thankful for today.  My job.  I'm able to get a paycheck and with that money help to sustain myself and the lifestyle I enjoy. 

What I'm thankful for today 3.23.15

Today is Monday March 23rd, 2015
Location : Griffin Hospital in Derby CT.
Time is 10:56 am

Today I'm thankful for my car; getting us here safely and on time. 
I'm thankful that I've got the day to not think about work.

What I'm thankful for today..

I'm starting something new..I'm going to start writing every day or at least every chance I get and explain what I'm thankful for.

Today is Sunday, March 22nd 2015
Location: Saint Vincent's Westport Campus Westport, ct
Time: 4:45pm

I'm Thankful for my boyfriend. He packed my dinner and it smells wonderful
I'm Thankful for my Job, I'm lucky to still be doing something that despite it's challenges; I still like doing my job. I sometimes get these twitches in my brain when someone tells me how there feeling and shares there story with me.
I'm thankful that I can do something to help my patients.
I'm thankful that I still have all my limbs and eyes and I can hear and breath.
I'm thankful that I can look forward to my days offs and that I can find things to take pleasure in.

that's it for today..

see you tomorrow.

New Beginings .....Again

So I decided to start writing again. I may erase my previous blogs cause I feel as if there filled with so much anger and self-loathing. In every pasted blog I've written has nothing but statements about me being unhappy with myself and my situations; me being broke, regretting past mistakes and actions, and Tony. How I got frustrated with him, not chipping in finically and how jealous I was of him for being home all day pretty much do whatever he liked while I work and hating my job. I've learned a few things about myself from these last few weeks.  I'm not perfect, nor should I be. And I need to truly let go of my past. My regret, and my self pity attitude. 
I look at my patients whom I help care for and I sometimes hear the troubles and hardships they went through or are currently going through. They do a lot of the same things I was doing. Blaming others, or hating the world for not taking care of them and wanting everything and not working for it. (Real Imperial Order types) ha ; inside joke.

The truth is, I should be thankful for what I have and proud of what I've been able to do on my own. maintain a car, maintain a household. I am thankful for tony taking care of the things I don't do; like cleaning and keeping things organized. And I'm proud that he's an honorable person. I will admit that sometimes I've felt cast aside because of his personal issues he's going through and I do still feel a bit sad about him not wanting to marry me. But I'm learning to live with it. I've had to take a hard look at myself and ask the question what do I want from myself.

so, I've decided to set some new goals for myself for the year.
my first goal is:

Rebuild Friendships.

Goal # 2

Rebuild myself emotionally- letting go of my past mistakes and fears that haunt me.

I'm just starting with two so far. I'm not going to overwhelm myself like I always do; expecting myself to become a new man overnight.