So I decided to start writing again. I may erase my previous blogs cause I feel as if there filled with so much anger and self-loathing. In every pasted blog I've written has nothing but statements about me being unhappy with myself and my situations; me being broke, regretting past mistakes and actions, and Tony. How I got frustrated with him, not chipping in finically and how jealous I was of him for being home all day pretty much do whatever he liked while I work and hating my job. I've learned a few things about myself from these last few weeks. I'm not perfect, nor should I be. And I need to truly let go of my past. My regret, and my self pity attitude.
I look at my patients whom I help care for and I sometimes hear the troubles and hardships they went through or are currently going through. They do a lot of the same things I was doing. Blaming others, or hating the world for not taking care of them and wanting everything and not working for it. (Real Imperial Order types) ha ; inside joke.
The truth is, I should be thankful for what I have and proud of what I've been able to do on my own. maintain a car, maintain a household. I am thankful for tony taking care of the things I don't do; like cleaning and keeping things organized. And I'm proud that he's an honorable person. I will admit that sometimes I've felt cast aside because of his personal issues he's going through and I do still feel a bit sad about him not wanting to marry me. But I'm learning to live with it. I've had to take a hard look at myself and ask the question what do I want from myself.
so, I've decided to set some new goals for myself for the year.
my first goal is:
Rebuild Friendships.
Goal # 2
Rebuild myself emotionally- letting go of my past mistakes and fears that haunt me.
I'm just starting with two so far. I'm not going to overwhelm myself like I always do; expecting myself to become a new man overnight.
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