Feeling frustrated and sad

So.. Here we are again.. I'm broke and I feel that I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.. I feel bad that I have to watch every penny i spend now.. And I can't do the things I'd like to do.. Like going out to lunch with friends is now a game of will I have enough or.. How much will I loose.. Especially since I'm trying to feed myself but Tony aswell..
I'm also getting this sick feeling in my stomach.. Like I'm failing as a provider.. I was reading an article the other day and it talked about the major reasons for breakups of marriages.. And the number one on the list was money.. What bodered me tonight was the fact I asked him how much money he had left after he told me about our friends wanting to get lunch on my day off.. And I told him.. I was tight on cash and that this week's paycheck was for the rent.. He just flat out said.. Forget it.. That hurt.. And made me feel ashamed.. I didn't know what else to say.. And so we haven't brought it up since..

Sometimes I wonder what he thinks about.. Day in and day out.. I come home from work feeling exhausted.. And he's here all day.. I use to envy him.. Then I was mad at him.. Cause he got to do what I couldn't.. Then I was angry with him.. Cause he lost focus on what his goals where and I forced him to stop working.. I'll admit.. I thought it would work out.. He'd stop working at Walmart.. Take his unemployment.. Focus on studying for his GED.. And get it by spring.. And start a new chapter in his life working somewhere else where his chances would be better.. But know.. I babied him like I was caltuled..
I wonder of he feels guilty.. I never wanted to put myself in a pity party situation.. But I wonder if he cares how much I work.. Or if he notices how I worry about bills and how close we've come to having things turned off..

I can't do this on my own anymore.. I just can't.. I'm still thinking one sided.. And it's not one sided.. I started holding back because he finally made a decision about a life style change.. Hes going for gastric bypass in March.. So I kept my mouth shut on other things..thinking this will be the start of things changing.. He'll get the surgery.. Start loosing weight.. Feel better about himself and then from there finally get his act together.. At least that's what I hope..

I'm going to start working more shifts.. Day shifts if I have too.. Plus putting more time at the bookstore.. I need more money.. By next Christmas.. I don't want to feel that I can't provide for my family.

So perhaps this will be my new years resolution.. Work harder, put aside my personal needs and start building something..