AM I HAPPY?

So there alot of things I'm grateful for.. My job,  my car,  my fiancé,  my friends.. That I can even list the last two things is truely a god send..

So then why do I feel so sad?  I think it's because I'm not happy with myself.. I know I could focus on the issues surrounding my life.. My fiancé with his health,  and lack of interest is trying to better himself.. Hes lost and hes trying to find his own way.. I get that,  but come on.. He spends more man power hours on a game then his studies Plus not showing any drive in signing up for any type of class to get better..

My friends... There all looking for someone to hold there hand through life.. So was I.. Till I lost everything and now am. Realizing how lost I really am.. But im at least paying my bills and keeping the lights on.. I'm constantly being asked over and over again by the majority of my friends what I'm doing over my free weekend to entertain them..

I know I've dug a whole for myself.. And now I'm trying to dig my way out.. Is this why I'm unhappy?  CAUSE I feel broke,  and nobody gets me.. I'm 33 years old.. I should be settled in the "have my shit together department"  but I'm not..

I'm unhappy,  and now I'm becoming unsatisfied romantically and Sexually.. My fiancé can't have sex.. Cause it hurts.. That's all I'm going to disclose.. He said he's willing to pleasure me.. And him not to cum.. But I don't want that.. I've been on that side of the fence before for many years.. Always the pleaser never been pleased.. I don't want that.. I want him to experience ecstasy aswell.. So there's a solution.. Him loosing 100 pounds.. Then the doctor will consider a surgery to help him... He hasn't taken steps to do that..

I blame myself.. I'm not doing anything to help him.. And I know I have to.. I'm here buying all this unhealthy shit.. So I need to change the way I do things.. Again.. Focusing more on others problems then myself..

I was doing really well for a while.. I was eating healthy,  working out regularly.. I even fit into a size 38 pants.. I gave up.. After getting sick twice.. I gave up cause it was easier to grab the remote.. And jerk off then continue my goal.. I feel as if I let myself down.. Maybe that's why I'm unhappy.. I don't feel beautiful.. And because of the lack of intamcy I don't feel attractive.. Which is why I let myself go..

I've done this before.. I've gone through this before.. And I say I'll change but never do.. Can I prove myself wrong again..?